President Trump did not attend a White House correspondents’ dinner, yet he was still a boundary of horde Hasan Minhaj’s jokes. We have annotated Minhaj’s remarks regulating Genius. To see an annotation, click on a yellow, highlighted text.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to a array culmination of a White House correspondents’ dinner. Oh man.
My name is Hasan Minhaj, or, as we will be famous in a few weeks, Number 830287.
Who would have thought, with all going on in a country, that a Muslim would be station on this theatre — for a ninth year in a row, baby.
We had 8 years of Barack. What’s another year? we see you, Barry. we see you, Barry. What we doing? You jet-skiing while a universe burns. That’s cool. That’s cool.
For those of we who do not know me, I’m a match on “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central. Now, we see some of we murmur to any other. What is Comedy Central? It’s fundamentally an internship for Netflix.
I would like to appreciate Jeff Mason and a White House Correspondents’ Association for carrying me. we would contend it is an respect to be here, yet that would be an choice fact. It is not. Uh, no one wanted to do this. So, of course, it lands in a palm of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig. No one.
Don Rickles died customarily so we wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, all right? RIP to Don Rickles, a customarily Donald with skin thick adequate to take a fun like that. RIP to a legend.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s my customarily — that is my customarily Trump joke. we was categorically told not to go after a administration, we guarantee we that’s my customarily Trump joke. Believe me.
It is extraordinary to be surrounded by some of a biggest reporters in a universe and, yet, when we all checked into a Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today.
Every time a USA Today slides underneath my door, it’s like they’re saying, “Hey, you’re not that smart, right?”
USA Today is what happens when a banking territory takes over a newspaper. Is this an essay about tellurian warming or 50 cents off Tide? Either way, a cinema are so pretty.
Tonight is about fortifying a First Amendment and a giveaway press, and we am truly respected to be here, even yet all of Hollywood pulled out. Now that King Joffrey is president, it feels like a Red Wedding in here. For a record, a WHCA is a organisation of journalists; they are not King Joffrey’s goons.
I am so blissful we are all here to respect a good American tradition given we all know this administration loves deletion story faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps. So appreciate we for being here.
Okay, listen, we get it. we get it. We gotta residence a elephant that’s not in a room. The personality of a nation is not here. And that’s given he lives in Moscow. It is a unequivocally prolonged flight. It’d be tough for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t customarily make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday.
As for a other guy, we consider he’s in Pennsylvania given he can’t take a joke. For a 9 people examination on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in a room, yet Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off a tail.
You know, a lot of people told me, “Hasan, if we go after a administration, it would be petty, astray and childish.” In other words, presidential, so here we go.
I get given Donald Trump didn’t wish to be roasted tonight. By a looks of him, he has been roasting nonstop for a past 70 years.
Historically a boss customarily performs during a correspondents’ dinner, yet we consider we pronounce for all of us when we contend he’s finished distant too many bombing this month.
Now, a lot of people in a media contend that Donald Trump goes golfing too much. “He goes golfing too much.” Which raises a unequivocally critical question: Why do we care? Do we wish to know what he is doing when he’s golfing? Being president. Let a male putt-putt. Keep him distracted. Teach him how to play badminton. Tell him he has a good physique for bobsledding. Play him in tic-tac-toe. The longer he is distracted, a longer we are not during fight with North Korea. Every time he goes golfing, a title should read:
Takes a W.
This is great. we adore this. Even if we guys groan, we already have hired Kellyanne Conway. She’s going to go on TV Monday and tell everybody that we killed, so it unequivocally doesn’t matter. But we adore that everybody is drinking, carrying a good time. This is beautiful.
You know that Donald Trump doesn’t splash — does not hold alcohol. Which is infrequently respectable. But consider about that. That means each statement, each interview, each twitter — totally sober.
How is that possible? We’ve all had that excuse, haven’t we? Been like, “I pronounced what? No, listen, babe, we swear to we we was hammered. That’s not who we unequivocally am.” What does Donald Trump tell Melania? “Listen, babe, final year on that sight with Billy Bush? That’s accurately who we am.”
He tweets during 3 a.m. sober. Who is tweeting during 3 a.m. sober? Donald Trump. Because it’s 10 a.m. in Russia; those are business hours.
You know, now that a veteran wrestler is a president, anything is possible. You know that matter used to have a certain connotation? Anything is possible! Now, we’re all like, “Anything is possible.”
Anything. The news entrance out of a White House is so stressful, I’ve been examination “House of Cards” customarily to relax. Just like, “Oh, man. A congressman pushed a publisher in front of a relocating train? That’s quaint.”
Now, it’s not customarily a boss who motionless not to uncover up. His whole administration is not here. Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here; that’s given she is curating her collection of children’s tears. Now, a lot of people consider Betsy DeVos is out of hold with working-class America, yet we listen to me, and we listen to me right now: Every morning, Betsy DeVos is adult during 5 a.m., putting her children on their moody to school. So don’t we tell me she’s out of touch, okay?
Hey, has anyone seen Rick Perry given he became appetite secretary? we have a feeling he’s sitting in a room of plutonium, watchful to spin Spider-Man. That’s customarily my hunch.
Now a lot of people consider Steve Bannon is a reason Donald Trump dog-whistles to racists. That is customarily not true. Ask Steve Bannon. Is Steve Bannon here? we do not see Steve Bannon. we do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon.
Frederick Douglass isn’t here, and that’s given he’s dead. Someone greatfully tell a president.
Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, yet his mother wouldn’t let him given apparently one of we ladies is ovulating. Sooo … good job, ladies. Because of you, we couldn’t hang out with Mike Pence.
Now, Ivanka Trump isn’t here, either, and we wish she was. Because if she was here, we would ask her a doubt we’re all thinking: Why? Why do we support this man? ’Cause we get it. We all adore a parents. But we wouldn’t validate them for president.
If someone was like, “Hey, Hasan, should your father be boss of a United States?” I’d be like, “My dad, Najmi Minhaj? The male who tries to lapse used underwear to Costco? No.”
Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was bustling doing a pre-Civil War reenactment. On his RSVP, he customarily wrote no — customarily no, that happens to be his second-favorite N-word.
You know, even Hillary Clinton couldn’t be here tonight. Hillary Clinton couldn’t — we meant she could have been here, yet we consider someone told her that a eventuality was in Wisconsin and Michigan. What? What? You guys, Nate Silver told me that fun would kill. He pronounced there was a 74.1 percent possibility of that fun killing. we believed you, Nate. Did we hear that groan, Nate? we can’t trust we believed you, man.
Okay, adequate about, we are here to speak about a truth. It is 2017, and we are vital in a golden age of lying. Now is a time to be a liar, and Donald Trump is liar in chief. And remember we guys are open rivalry Number 1. You are his biggest enemy. Journalists, ISIS, normal-length ties.
And somehow, you’re a bad guys. That’s given we have to keep your feet on a gas. Especially with Sean Spicer, who is not here tonight given we consider he is during home googling how to feign his possess death. But we adore it when we guys give it to Sean Spicer. Sean Spicer gives press briefings like someone is going by his browser story while he watches.
Just panic. Like, “No, wait, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop jolt your head. Stop jolt your head. Stop jolt your head. We’ll speak about this tomorrow.” It is a best.
Now, we guys are laughing, yet comprehend Sean Spicer has been doing PR given 1999. He has been doing this pursuit for 18 years, and somehow after 18 years his go-to pierce when we ask him a tough doubt is denying a Holocaust. That is insane. How many people do we know that can spin a press lecture into a full-on Mel Gibson trade stop? Only a Spice man. Only a Spice man.
You know what’s crazy? Every day on “The Daily Show,” we do these jokes all of a time. We’re like: “The administration lies. Trump flip-flops.” It doesn’t matter. His supporters still trust him. It has not stopped his movement during all. It’s roughly as if “The Daily Show” should be on C-SPAN. It has left no impact. It’s true. And we satisfied something: Maybe it is given we are vital in this bizarre time where trust is some-more critical than truth.
Supporters of President Trump trust him, and we know journalists, we guys, are unequivocally perplexing to do good work. we customarily consider a lot of people don’t trust we right now, and can we censure them? we meant distinct Anderson Cooper’s bone structure, we guys have been distant from perfect.
Remember choosing night? we mean, that was your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment. The demeanour on your faces during 11 p.m. on choosing night. It was like walking into a Panera Bread and anticipating out your sixth-grade clergyman has a part-time pursuit there. we was like what? Mr. Leddington? we theory we don’t have all a answers.
It was all fun and games with Obama, right? You were covering an adult who speaks English. And now you’re covering President Trump, so we have to take your diversion to a whole new level. It’s like a garland of stripper cops have to solve a real-life murder.
Fox News is here. I’m vacant we guys even showed up. How are we here in public? It’s tough to trust we guys when we corroborated a male like Bill O’Reilly for years. But it finally happened. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then, we gave him a $25 million separation package, creation it a customarily package he won’t force a lady to touch.
Now, in O’Reilly’s defense, he was told by a tighten friend: “When you’re a star, they let we do it. You can do anything.”
You guys are carrying a tough time with Jesse Watters right now, too. He’s on a mangle right now. Right, he’s on a break. Just like my childhood dog is staying on a plantation upstate. we get it. we know that move.
Now, we know some of we are wondering, “Hasan, how do we know so many about Fox News?” As a Muslim, we like to watch Fox News for a same reason we like to play “Call of Duty.” Sometimes, we like to spin my mind off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage.
MSNBC is here tonight, and I’m blissful we guys are here tonight. That way, if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will report it as stunning. It’s tough to trust we guys when we promulgation us so many churned messages. On a one hand, we tell us a prison-industrial formidable is a problem, and afterwards we atmosphere 5 true hours of “Lockup.” You can’t be insane during companies profiting off of minorities in jail when you’re a house profiting off of minorities in prison. It’s like …
I have one discerning request: MSNBC, greatfully tell Rachel Maddow to chill about Trump’s taxation returns. we don’t know what we consider you’ll find in there, yet there’s isn’t going to be a line object that customarily says “bribes from Russia.” That’s not how it works. You’re going to be like: “Oh, we found a 1040. USSR.” It doesn’t work like that.
You’re a magnanimous news outlet. Look, we dress a same. we demeanour like a melanin chronicle of Chris Hayes. we wish to base for we guys, yet you’re branch into swindling theorists. Every night, you’re like: “The Russians hacked a elections. The Russians hacked a elections.”
Meanwhile, everybody in Latin America and a Middle East is like: “Ah, a unfamiliar supervision tampered with your elections? What is that like? Do tell, MSNBC.”
Just siphon a brakes. We’re customarily on Day 100. By a finish of a year, you’re all going to have tinfoil hats and jars of urine all over your desks.
Now, we had a lot some-more MSNBC jokes, yet we don’t wish to customarily wind on; otherwise, we competence get a uncover on MSNBC.
Last yet not least, my favorite party channel is in a building tonight. CNN is here, baby. Now, we guys got some unequivocally uncanny trust issues going on with a public. I’m not going to call we feign news, yet all isn’t violation news. You can’t go to Defcon 1 customarily given Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer. Every time a story breaks, we guys go to 9 screens. Nine boxes on a screen. I’m perplexing to watch a news, not collect a actor in “Street Fighter.” It’s giving me anxiety. If we have 9 experts on a panel, what is your separator of entry?
Here to speak about travel infrastructure is my Uber driver, Gary. Gary, what have we got? It customarily says, “Gary, 4.8 stars.” He’s like: “I don’t know. we got a mint.” “Thanks, Gary. Let’s go to a countdown time to a subsequent countdown clock.
All we guys do is stoke adult conflict. Don, each time we watch your show, it feels like we am examination a reality-TV show. “CNN Tonight” should customarily be called “Wait a Second. Now Hold On. Stop Yelling during Each Other,” with Don Lemon.
You know you’re news right? Come on. But each time we watch CNN, it feels like you’re assigning me homework. “Is Trump a Russian spy? we don’t know. You tell me. Tweet us @AC360.” No, we tell me.
I’m examination a news. But it feels like I’m examination CNN watch a news. Please customarily take an hour, figure out what we wish to say. Then go on a air.
But whenever we spin we guys on, it feels like a small child customarily ran into a room and is perplexing to tell we a story. You’re customarily like: “There’s a wall. (Inaudible.) Paul Ryan.” Breathe. Take a minute. Drink some milk. Then tell us a story, Wolf.
I know I’m busting balls. we don’t have a resolution on how to win behind trust. we don’t. But in a age of Trump, we know that we guys have to be some-more ideal now some-more than ever. Because are we are how a boss gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from comprehension agencies, we guys. So that’s given we gotta be on your A-game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of we messes up, he blames your whole group. And now we know what it feels like to be a minority.
And we see some of we guys complaining. Like, “What? we gotta work twice as tough for half a credit?” Remember, you’re a minority. You guys have a lot some-more knowledge than me, yet we got 3 decades of being brown, so if we wish to tarry a age of Trump, we got to consider like a minority. And now that you’re a minority, oh man, everybody is going to design we to be a spokesman for a whole group.
So, we hatred to contend it, yet somewhere, right now, all of we are being represented by Geraldo Rivera. See now that we are truly a minority, there’s a twisted chronicle of we out there. You know, Taco Bell for Mexican culture. Panda Express for Chinese culture. Huffington Post for journalism.
And then, when we indeed conduct to do good work, we get strike with a many pompous line in a English language: “Hey, you’re indeed one of a good ones.” Then we have to grin and contend appreciate you. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it?
By a way, we guys aren’t unequivocally minorities; we guys are super white. But, yet — we could see MSNBC being like, “We got a minority card.” No. But your work is invaluable. we meant that as a feign journalist. we am rooting for you. We are 100 days in; 1,360 days to go.
You guys are using a marathon, and I’m during a half-mile symbol giving we fasten for your nipples.
So I’m wishing we zero yet a best. You chafed, Van? You a small chafed? It’s a prolonged approach to go.
This has been one of a strangest events we have ever finished in my life. I’m being honest with you. we feel like we am a reverence in a Hunger Games. Like, if this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me.
But we was asked to not fry a boss and a administration, in absentia, and we totally know that. We are in a bizarre conditions where there is a unequivocally warlike attribute between a press and a president. But now that we guys are minorities — customarily for this impulse — we competence know a position we was in. And it’s a same position a lot of minority kids feel in this country. And it’s, we know, do we come adult here and customarily try to fit in and not scatter any feathers? Or do we contend how we unequivocally feel?
Because this eventuality is about celebrating a First Amendment and giveaway speech. Free debate is a substructure of an open and magnanimous democracy, from college campuses to a White House.
Only in America can a first-generation, Indian American Muslim child get on a theatre and make fun of a president.
The orange male behind a Muslim ban. And it’s a pointer to a rest of a world. It’s this extraordinary tradition that shows a whole universe that even a boss is not over a strech of a First Amendment.
But a boss didn’t uncover up. Because Donald Trump doesn’t caring about giveaway speech. The male who tweets that all that enters his conduct refuses to acknowledge a amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it. It’s roughly — what is it? It’s 11? It’s 11 p.m. right now. In 4 hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj inebriated during this dinner.
And he’ll be doing that totally sober. And that’s his right. And I’m unapproachable that all of us are here tonight to urge that right, even if a male in a White House never would. So, we would like to appreciate a White House Correspondents’ Association for carrying me here. we wish to appreciate all of you. we wish to appreciate Woodward and Bernstein for moving a era of journalists.
And we would like to appreciate Donald Trump for moving a next. Thank we so much. It’s been an honor. Good night. we adore you. Thank you.
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